FROM MY OTHER XANGA...yoko_native

not really here...

im not really sure what im supposed to do from here. Am i just plain spoiled and should get fucking over this and stop complaing? Am i like fucked up and need some serious phycie help? I really have no clue. Every time i thikn that im getting one step close to any goal..somone or something has to stop all over it..and that is more true than anywhere else in the quest to find who I am and what is wrong with me

No, im not oing to sit here and pour out stupid despressing word after wrod about how i miss japan and this plase suc and I hate the world. Frankly, im getting tired of it and finding that this despair is turning into anger. Which, could be could; i could use it to my advantage to prove people wrong. or i could be some angry punk who goes on the show 'Brat Camp'. of course, i would be the character whos life is all in chaos, cires obver and over becuase im fat and think the world hates me..could make some money...

but seriously.which can i do to get out of this hell hole? im constanlt told im a failure. people telling me one thing and telling people another. making me out to be the stupid person. * mid you this is my family who does this* ....no friends...at all..just people who pitty me and try to walk with me to classes trying to make me feel better somehow..whcih is the last thing i want right now. what i want, right now, is to be the person who sits on the corner of each clas..the smart one. he one no one talks to. that would make life so much easier. that would cause no more pain that I allready have. Its ingenious really and planning to use it starting tuesday...i sometyimes have ambitions to joining football..being a prt of some team..making myself look god on my colge trnascript...but thats hope is lost.. i have f's and d's on my trnascript..niothing but bad grades and no clubs..the only one i was in was student council and my job was not even used...it was like..ok..tim do you have the site..im like yea..and then they go one plannning things out. i decided to redo a couple time..mabey it was that they didnt like it..but still..my job was as useless as eating broth with a fork...so...those thoughs are out. i told some peoplea ll these things i wantred and needed to do...noe of which seem even remotly god now, realizing the truth.

yes, i have given up, and before you all start going,, 'aww tim dont feel bad' or ' tim stop scarring me', or 'tim you're not alone, you have all of us;. or some other resuing wors making me feel better...just shut up..im not trying to be meen..but...im juss tried of the corny shrink talk..i do that to myself enough...i analyze my life over and over and over finding things that may have snowballed into whats wrong mith me now..i can be siting in class..the bus, the bathrom anywhere and my mind id on how im depresse..i mean, its like im being both the damn patient and shrink at the same time...how pathetic is that?..but thats life and im through..

now, dont be going, oh my god tim gave up on life.. people, im not suicidal and im not going to kill myself..please....that would be the ultimate retarded thing to do..im not going to watse my last breath on the hope someone would hear me..what the hel will that do..oh yea, you heard me..now im dead..so...well fuck..i cant do anything..im fuckin 6 feet under..thats just retarded..so no.im not retarded like that..ive just given up on the hope tht things will get better..im not gon try to make frenz..there is  no point..soner or later im going to loose touch and they will move somewhere else, there wil be some sort of drama and then we'll hate eachother..im through with it..i just want to be alone and take care of yours truly.

ok.now i knoe your like, og tim is like so fridnly how can he want to be alone....ok..liek i said a million times..every  monet of every day was an act..when i school.i put a new face on and became TIm at school..the one who wanted to be funny and wanted to be everyones friend.....but when i lefy.. i wasd the real tim..the one who really knew that i was alone..why the hell do you think i wanted to be everyones friend? cuz being a lone is th one most thing that I fear tyhe most abnd I have begun to deal with lonliness..its not that bad anymore..and i just dont care...i mean, i cared to much back then..that i stayed with a group of huys that you know..i though was my crew...the fellas..you know..your really close frenz.....but i was the butt of every joke..i was the punchline, i was their entertainment...they screw me over, made fun of me..picked on me every fuckign day for like 2 years..and i stayed..why you ask? becuase i didnt want to be alone..and fianlly..after so much crying at hopme like some baby, i left..and some of them mopved and crap....and i was lone..i clung to some...founf some frenz..but they wernt real..i mean, yes i talk to some poeple in each class..thats the extextnt..i hey in the halls and a c-mail here and there..nothing else..i never went to a dance with someone..i went to the promo dance in 8th grade..hated every second and though i lookled like a complete moron..i hung out with no one, i dance with non , i sat there until it ended just complety feeling like a fool..and of course i had to make up some stroy to peopl saying, oh yea i had a blast..what ever..

so.dont be posting commwent like..omg tim your like..whatever..dont...its no use anymore.im not uniqui.im not one of a kind, im not some super cool person,. i have so strong points in life, im no use to anyone and i mean, what hell am i here for? again, no im not gojnmg to kill myself please for gods sake dont post crap like that here either..anywayz, i gotta go read for school..l8r

tim

Stuck

This life im living seems to have to purpose. I have no need in life and life has no need in me...Each day seems to be the last, same thing everyday, same routine...same....

Clean the kitchen 3 times a day, cook sometimes, do the dishes. Do the laundry. Clean up the house. Put of excersise. Sit in fron of my computer. Thats my day. I cant live like this anymore but its my on;y choice. Im stuck in this house; life wasting away.

I had no childhood. My dad was gone for most of it, and i never did anything with m,y dad. I only have memories of him yelling, us arguing..nothing good.

My teenage years are over. High school life, now tuned into nothing but trying to impress my parents and College Admissions Officers. Friends are non existant and its literaly true. I gave up on the whole freind thing. Its no use. Its, ' Wow, you speek japanese, say something' and then no other interation. Like im a sideshow. People here are so different. I dont know how to exist, let alone be remembered. My like at kinnick now dimminished; mabey incorperated into the walls. Nothing is the same. Eerythign i knew..Everyting i wished to be..now gone. My life never to be remembered by tghose who made my life what it was. I am but a picture in a yearbook. A Name on roll that wasent taken off yet. A file not yet thrown away. And now, here, its nothing. School itself let me out on the darkness. Causing me to fend for myself. I pretend....ptu on an act the whole time. Wishing that I could be someoen, yet knwong that im not. Yes, i talk to people. But its not liek they are my friends. They wont say hey to me outside of school. I am but a peron they talked to in a class..People here are not as connected as what they were in japan. I wasent just a face. I wasent just someoen who was from japan. or the ' Japanese Kid'.

Some seems to feel pitty for me and tried to make me feel like i was someone. I clung to it like super glue, yetr knowing it was all untrue and fake.

Nothing is real anymore and everyday is liek the last. I wake up to the same day, nothing changed cept what takes place. I havent woke up to 2maro yet. i havent woekn up to a new day. I sometimes belive that I want to wake up to a new life, but th eont I have, and had in japan wont leeve. I cant conform, i cant blend in here. Its not who I am and I still feel the same way i did the day i left home. I have most liekly cried enough to fill a tiny pond. I aknt get over it all... its almost been a year. December is comeong ever so closer to me, the one eyar aniversiry of my life taking hte biggest turn of its existance.. and just had to be for the worse.

I know i say these words over and over agiabn liek im som broken record, and yet i know they dont hlp any..they may allow me to get the anger and depresison out for a short while...but its till there.... i dont know wut to do and no one else does.. it sux..life sux...and death seems pleasent....

well...im tired of writting this crap over and over and im gon stop for now...'know that i have t said anything here for a while..life just seems to be the same each and everyday..

miss you all..

CHNAGE OF NAME

 

To All, I AM Changing My 'User-name' For Everything. New Info As Follows:

MYSPACE: CANCLED/NONE [ I hate my space...cant do anything to it...]

Yes, I said it, i am bettering my life. Something that I have not though about or have been behaving towards for quite sometime. Yes depression had a tight grip around me and still has a pretty strong hold of me, but im coping and learning ways to bite the bullet and deal with it. Instead of wasting all the energy that I do on crying and wishing i wasnt here, i have come up with much better ways and things to spend that energy on. Bettering myself and my life.

The Expirement has begun. Rather, the joruney has just began. Whatever you want top call ity,. Im basically starting a new chapter in life. Now, im not saying that everything is just fine and you can find me in school having a great ol' time with friends; becuase I am not. Now, i am not going to talk about all those bad things but, jst know they are there. Rather, i have started the pathj that leads to that ultimate comclusion. Pease, happiness and content; something that basically all man wishes for.

First, Im bettering my body and soul. Im not meditating and doing yoga while liting incent sticks; im doing things that i need to better my self image both inside and out. Im strating to lose weight. Yea, im a pretty over weight guy and its not that attractive, lol, however i dont have to convince you that. I need this to happen and have been wanting it to happen for quite sometime. Here, I am going to let it all out and sya everything about my weight so that im not keeping a secret and feeling that I am living a lie.

I am about 6 ft and i weight about 280 pounds. WOW...i bet your like freaking out. Yea, im seriously in need to like drastick weight loss and nutrition help. Anyways, as I have told you, im starting to lose weight. Since 2 weeks agom I have lost five pounds. Thats with just cutting out foods in high sugar/calorie/ " Bad Stuff" content. Which is a god step in the whle process. Although, im going to proper nutriotion; im reading books and learning all the things i need to know to help my health. For, being this overwight doea not only affect my body image, but makes a great impact on my health, another ginat reason for these drastick measures. Anwys, i wanted to let that be know. I know your thinking, why the fuck do I want to know how mught your fat ass weighs?!?! well, since you are all my friends, i trust you to take all of this and find it helping me, know that Im allright for I know some of you worry. I want to let you know that Im helping myself and want to thank you for being the kind ofpeople you are, eople i can talk about anythig to and turn to for my troubles. Thank you.

...so there it is. The first step...admitting my problems...I sound like im in "AA"...retartded..but its something serious that needs serous action. I need to step up and get these ideas out og my head and make myself a btter world than i have made it and has been created for me. Things have been pretty rough, but I need to stop and change things myself, becuase so far doing nothing has not done a great deal of help for me. So, I need to do something and I am finally taking these first steps.

...well, i bet this is enough crap for you all to read and its enough for me to wite to the public. Now i need to take what I said and put it in to acttion., Thanbk you al for taking the time to read this. I know you all will help me and i hope you all know that I am here allways to help you..

...Well..things havent turned out the way i wished them to... This 'summer' isisnt really a vacation at all. i stil have to wake up early for this Drivers Ed Course....Still have summer school..just one class though, and my parents are still just generaly mad at me. Things havent gotten any better with my dad, although i dont know why i thhk they would...and we are going to go to my moms family down south where i dotn want to go...

..you know, I am thankfull that my parents wernt furious with me about failing classes. They didnt yell and they didnt like hit me or anything. However, they still treat me as if im supposed to be all hunky dory...my dad keeps making me out to be some mediorce retartd, blaming me over and over for failing my class and maming him drive me everywhere....you know, i though this all would pass over, this depression. but it hasent..and its really getting on my damn nerves....

...alg 2 summer school is easy. got a great teacher who is unuslly nice to me..dont know why...and i mean, i understand and ctually listing to the lessons. i could have passes alg 2 orginally with an A..but i neevr foucues...really couldnt actually. so, im pretty happy about that, and im learning stuff that i needed to know and that my old teacher wouldnt explian... but over all..summer school isint as bad as i though it would be..plyus we dont get homrwotk..WOOHOO!!

....well..i better go..im downloading music and fix'n my comp...and cleaning my room...and just being sad n shit...damn life..